Stuck in Limbo (and a fun meme)

I answered a meme & saved the draft since October last year. So here I am  cleaning out the B.S from my life (& this blog: stupid chinese spam). I found this picture  & It's appropriate for the way I feel today - like complete crap! 

But I'm supposed to trust God to work things out with my ex. It's been almost 2 years since we've been in this limbo. I'm tired. It's so draining. Or maybe I'm just getting my period & my hormones are playing crazy tricks on me. I'm not sure.

Or how do you see it? am I being S E L F I S H for wanting him?

 

 

....and the Meme:

1. What is your name: Anya

2. A four Letter Word: Anus


3. A boy's Name: Abel

4. A girl's Name: Ariel

5. An occupation: Artist
6. A color: Auburn

7. Something you'll wear: Anklets

9. A food: Amala

10. Something found in the bathroom: Arm & Hammer toothpaste.

11. A place: Anaheim

12. A reason for being late: Arsenal lost the game!!
13. Something you'd shout: Ass-face!

14. A movie title: Astronaut's Wife

15. Something you drink: Apple juice

16. A musical group: Abba

17. An animal: Antelope

18. A street name: Ajax 

19. A type of car: Audi

My words cannot explain...

...so I'll let Christina do the singing talking for me. Generally, I've been feeling like crap recently. I'm struggling with rapid weight gain and feeling too lazy to exercise.  Just for the record, when I started this blog 2 years ago. I weighed approximately 120lbs. Tonight I climbed the scale and I weighed in at a whopping 150lbs!! WTF?!

It's completely unfair, unreal, f**king retarded! I mean...What the heck happened in 2 years? Well, I got my 2nd degree, finally broke up with my on-again/off-again boyfriend of 3 years, started doing serious things like volunteering in the community, and what do I get for all my hard work - 30 extra pounds of fat.

My mom is extremely funny. She doesn't get it. The other day she commented on 'how I'm finally growing into my body'.... "your real body is really coming out now". What the heck is that supposed to mean anyway?! Then I get all these weird aunts and uncles alluding to the fact that I look so "mature" (read: fat) and ready for marriage. (Me: HELL NO!!!). I don't understand any of this. It's funny because none of my family is telling me to lose weight, they're all just sitting back and watching me 'blossom'.

I'm so bored when  people say, "You weigh I50lbs? Oh wow...you don't look it at all....everything is so proportional...blah blah". They're just giving me positive reinforcement to keep avoiding the gym. So far my rationale has been that 'If I don't look that bad, it's not that serious'. I AM SO WRONG!

There are other things like high cholesterol, diabetes, and clogged arteries which will never be seen through cute summer frocks or playful peep-toe sandals or flawless face or perfect hair. Fashion cannot cure Heart Disease!

And that was my midnight rant. I'll just go to bed now & sob to Christina here. Tomorrow, I'll grab my running shoes and hit the gym. Enough is Enough. F M L. Obesity is a Sin. Father, forgive me for I am the baddest sinner.

Live your Life

ALOHA.

A wise man said:

"Iron rusts from disuse, stagnant water loses its purity and in cold weather becomes frozen,

even so does inaction sap the vigors of the mind"

- Leonardo da Vinci 

My mind has been somewhat inactive for a while now. I had been doing the same things for a long time; expecting different results and hoping to experience change in my situation. For example, I was so busy writing my dissertation for a little over a year back there that I was only reading books and articles in my field, plus I was caught up in a wrong romantic situation, and didn't take the chance to stretch my outlook on life.

This went on for a while until something snapped! I started feeling stagnant, I started feeling mentally weary, fagged out, depressed (the magic word!). I knew I had to re-evaluate my life, I knew I needed to review my choices, and I knew I had to give up some good things so that better things would come along. I knew I needed to change.

Somebody said "life is too short, then you die". At the rate I was going, my soul knew that I was just waiting to die. I had resigned to fate, stopped dreaming, and hoped that at least I could just exist. I was taking everything for granted. Do you see where I'm going with this?

I became complacent. So for example, even in that wrong relationship where I knew he was cheating/going to cheat, I stayed in it because I thought he would outgrow the habit and learn to truly commit. I figured he was the only one for me, so we would just patch things along then eventually get hitched! Yeah, great idea, Anya! You really planned out that one well. I was being complacent.

Another example, in my grad school work, I started putting in the minimal amount of work. I no longer cared if I published or not. I was bored. I just wanted to get by. I thought to myself: nobody cares about what you have to say, people are too vain to get it. I was wrong! People did want to hear what I had to say, I was very relevant.

They say hindsight is 20/20. Well, I concur. What was I thinking back then? I had filled my mind with too much rubbish to notice I was infected. I was sick with Fear. My blood was toxic with Complacency.Today I know different. I can feel the life rushing through me. I feel like I just recovered some lost limbs. I can walk, I can run, I can fly. I can dream.

So I must tell you -- if you can dream, dream BIG. Live your life with passion. Don't take people for granted; better yet, don't take yourself for granted. I know it's cliche, but honestly, you have one life to live. Explore your options. Seize every opportunity. Be thankful. Then just breathe. 

I took this picture of one of the roses in my backyard. So pretty :)

(whirl)wind of Change

Hello People,

I have come to the realization that my life is more fascinating in my head than in reality. Don't get me wrong, reality is good; uhm...real. But the stuff that goes on in my head is way more exciting.


So I am alive and well. I didn't get a chance to blog because bigger things had my attention. I did my dissertation and passed my defense. (YAY me!!). Now I'm job-hunting and spending a lot of time on the internet so now I can return to blogging like always. I hope you're having a splendid summer. What exciting things are you doing with your time?

Tidings...

Spring Tidings

I've been gone but I haven't forgotten blogville. So much is happening in my life these days; it's hard to find the stillness to blog. I'm moving to a new city, officially single & searching  would like to be found, done with school & ready to groove, and just feeling fresh with my life!

Soon & very soon, I'll resume blog-duty. Until that time, my people have a splendid spring!