Monday, November 10, 2008

The Perfect Love

Nothing is perfect {except God}
But I wanted us to be perfect.

Last night, he said "Anya, I love you".

I've waited so long to hear those words.

But now that he has said them I am in tears.

Tears of relief and tears of confusion.

What does this mean for us, how long has he known that he loved me? why didn't he say it earlier?

I told him I loved him ages ago....I always knew it. Telling him made me vulnerable. So I always felt like I got the short end of the stick in our relationship. Now, we are both vulnerable. Where do we go from here?

He thinks I need someone better than him. Why does everyone keep saying that?! Can't I freely choose to love whomever I want? What exactly is wrong with him (or his past) that makes him think we can't be perfect? I have the right to love him...

I know we've had a dramatic history and so many things have been said (or left unsaid). But the future can be better. We can create something perfect.

I am both dazed and confused. I want to believe in this power of love (...young love while our spirits thrive), but I don't want to regret my decision 5-10 years from now, heck - in 20 years I want to still believe in this same power of love (...young love while our spirits are thriving).

He says that he wants me to be happy however I can. I say in my mind "I want to be happy with you".

But no matter how much I plead, there is no answer in my mind's eye. I've asked God several times for direction, for intervention, for anything. I need a sign. So far, nothing spectacular has crossed my mind's eye. I'm still waiting...

I want us to be perfect (whether we remain together or not...)