Tuesday, February 12, 2008

My Voice, I hear it

People often tell me that I have a distinguished voice, in the tone, the appeal; "it's low & husky", then when I'm really excited or just plain elated, "it gets high & squeaky".
Have you ever tape-recorded your voice and then played it over to hear what you sound like? Or in this age I should ask, have you ever left yourself or someone else a voice message then played it over to hear yourself? I do this often enough and on one of those days, I didn't just like what I sounded like anymore. I literally hated the tone of my own voice when I wrote this.

The sound from my lungs :||:
Squeaky? No - brash!
:||: I hear you, but I do not know you.
Ages of trial hath not changed thee :||:
Even displacement, yet; I still do not know you.
When will you become?
To take up the shimmering glow of something divine - like resurrection.
When will you become me? Embodied in all I represent, yet weakened by the sound from my lungs.
I do not hate you. I feel only a passionate dislike today.

Oh and then another thing; my accent. ha! that one is another enigma. Most people tell me I have no accent; that it's not quite Canadian or strictly American or British or even Nigerian. { see me, see wahala!}. I like to think that my accent is a convoluted compossibility that personifies all that is me, all that is Anya!!!

Monday, February 4, 2008

Memoirs of a Young Heart

I wrote this when I was sure I was done with X-boy. But then (Tei forgive me...) I relapsed. I love myself immensely but does this mean that I didn't loved me enough to get rid of that old crap? These questions hunt me.

I enjoyed some of my time spent with you.
Sometimes I felt incredibly fulfilled; I wished the moments would last forever.
But then I wasn't really happy with you, or at least the happiness was always short-lived.
I would want to remain in the space and time where my heart skipped beats
But you would never remain with me.
I don't think you were really happy with me either.
It was a heart-song that wasn't meant to be sung
It was a plea to forget reality and relish in your arms.
But I could only forget for a time.

I watched you kiss her - right before my very eyes
And I was to pretend that I didn't want to scream
Like, I didn't want to vomit & spill my insides.
Let the whole world see what has become of me, become of us.
But "we" never really were
It was only a facade of my imagination.
An image I begged to manifest into reality

I watched you kiss her
With those same lips you used to kiss me
With those same lips, I knew you would kiss me later.
I wonder why I went to your house that night
What was I trying to prove, what was I trying to realise?
That maybe the shock of seeing you two would blast me back to reality {common sense}.
To the realization that we would never be.
We were not meant to - coexist
In that space, that time, together. Never.
So I chested the pain...Ode eshi
Like I was some kinda of ride-or-die chic.
Nah...that's not me.
It has never been me...
I have never been that numb-everything-I-can't-feel-a-thing babe
And that is why I was never happy.
I would never truly purged of my emotions.
Those emotions you knew were real.

But that is the price I pay for living in denial
I lied to myself that I was numb...
When the truth is that I am like a magnified sensationalizing entity.
The other end of the spectrum of numbness...
I feel it. I feel you. I felt everything.
Time and Time again, I would remember the love {life} I envisioned for myself
And I try to force the idea of you into that picture.
I tried so hard to convince myself that you were not ready for it.
That maybe I should give you a little more time.

But in the words of Keyshia Cole, "you need to leave if he don't wanna love you the right way..."
I should've left earlier
I could've left in September 2005.
I could've left you in January 2006
I could've left you in March 2006
But then I got hooked on you in May 2006.
No that wasn't enough for me...I had to go ahead & plunge myself deeper.
Deeper than I've ever known before...and then I was finished.
I became V-V--uuu-ll-ner-able.
I let myself get weak - you loved that. Made you feel like a man,
Ego-stroking; you were floating on cloud 9
While I was sinking deeper and deeper beneath the depths