Friday, April 25, 2008

Blossom Me, Spring!

I know I've been MIA around blogville for some time now. I decided to take a break from virtual reality to face my tangible reality. A lot has happened since my last post, but I'll make an entry about that later. Meanwhile, I've been doing spring cleaning around my house since last week and it's been so tiring but I'm almost done. I just unearthed a few notes I made while I was reading Mitch Albom's Tuesdays with Morrie a few years ago. And I would love to share them with you. Here are a few excerpts from the book which touched my spirit and are still applicable to my heart:

Maybe Death is the great equalizer. "The most important thing in life is to learn how to give out love, & to let it come in". Levine: "Love is the only rational act".

"I give myself a good cry if I need it. But then I concentrate on all the good things still in my life".

"Not everyone is so lucky" - this apparently is the "coldest realization".

On the issue of preparing to die, Albom remarks: "...the culture doesn't encourage you to think about such things until you're about to die. We're so wrapped up with egotistical things; career, family, having enough money, meeting the mortgage, getting a new car, fixing the radiator when it breaks - we're involved in trillions of little acts just to keep going. So we don't get into the habit of standing back and looking at our lives and saying, Is this all? Is this all I want? Is something missing?"

"Everyone knows that they're going to die but nobody believes it, if we did, we would do things differently."

"Once you learn how to die, you learn how to live"

"...if you accept that you can die at any time - then you might not be as ambitious as you are".

"The fact is, there is no foundation, no secure ground, upon which people may stand today if it isn't the family".

Auden: "Love each other or Perish"

On 'detaching myself from the experience' - "don't cling to things, cause everything is impermanent".

"But detachment doesn't mean you don't let the experience penetrate you. On the contrary, you let the experience penetrate you fully. That's how you're able to leave it".

"You're afraid of the vulnerability that loving entails"

"Devote yourself to loving others, devoted yourself to your community around you, and devote yourself to creating something that gives you purpose and meaning".

This was a smokescreen - "my greed inconsequential compared to theirs" (other people).


What will you be reading this Spring? I plan to finish Elizabeth Gilbert's Eat, Pray, Love by next week and then finally finish The Secret by Rhonda Byrne. Those are wonderful books you can get cozy with on these rainy spring nights!

xo Anya

Friday, April 11, 2008

Teardrops like Raindrops

I wrote this in June 2005 when I was still wild and weary about X-boy. These days I am just weary. 

When I'm mad, it's usually something about blaming you. Somehow you're the reason I haven't smiled in a while. If I've had a bad day, and it got me down. I come home & shut myself in. I try to open up to you but my Self won't let me. I'm stuck in my ways.

When I'm mad, I want to take off all my clothes, sit on the floor and weep. I want to wallow in self-pity just for a little while. I want to scream but I stifle any sounds but tiny whimpers still escape when I sob. I want to remind myself that I am friggin' gorgeous. Anya is more than that. She doesn't need you to be anything for her. She is enough for herself.

But I am not enough.

Fast-forward to December 2007:

I envision a time when I was happier. I envision, I don't remember it. Sometimes, I want you to act a certain way, be a certain way, fulfill my desires. Call me more often, like at midnight to tell me "baby, i was just thinking about you, I miss you"; even if you saw me barely 20mins ago. But you don't. I want it go to back to the time when I didn't care so much about you. When you were only a fleeting thought. But now, you have become something more. I wish I didn't worry so much about you or us or when or how things will turn out. I wish I was just living my life without these after-thoughts. I don't know why I'm doing this to myself. You're hurting me but I can't get away.

Saturday, April 5, 2008

Go with the Flow

I am not a fish. But somehow I still find myself swimming along with the tide {wait a min, do fish swim with the current or against it? beats me...anyway, that is not the point}.

Deep down in the essence of my Self, I am an anarchist. I aspire to the likes of Emma Goldman and Ken Saro-Wiwa. I am in a race against the corporate machine. I cry for freedom! Justice! Equality! I dare for societal reform, a drastic transformation - hmm, I like the sound of revolution...

But am I a farce? For indeed I am a conformist. I want to be well liked so I try not to disrupt the system (too much). I dance to the beat of their drums and then I smile and wave {do it now; smile and wave}. If you ask me why I conform, I will lie to you. I'll tell you this is the only way I can get know, beat them at their own game. You have to get in and then work your way through from the inside.

I'll rock my Abercrombie and Fitch outfits with my Fendi sunglasses and I still campaign against the installation of sweatshops at the Maquiladoras in Mexico. I want to be eco-conscious, yet I detest the new Going Green campaigns because I think they are are hoax. Global warming is for kids, let's win this war in Iraq! Why isn't the U.S bombing Mugabe out of office in Zimbabwe? Why aren't they chucking out Kim Jung Il from North Korea?

But the truth is that I am scared. I am scared of violent death, I fear poverty, hunger and starvation. I fear that I may not satisy my high tastes, my luxuries, those comforts. That I may succumb to an impoverished lifestyle. Maybe I am just too spoiled to face reality. I cannot tell.

Recently, I've gotten this constant reaffirment in my spirit that I can do anything. {Literally, a voice in my mind whispers: Anya, you can do it. Go for it. Don't stop. You can accomplish anything. Don't be frightened. Don't be intimidated. You must take it}. But I am so scared. What if I don't get it? What if I can't reach it? What if I can't touch it? Oh so many 'what ifs'....

Anya, you can do it.
Go for it. Nothing can stop you now.
Don't stop.
You can take it.
You must take it.
You will take it.