Monday, February 4, 2008

Memoirs of a Young Heart

I wrote this when I was sure I was done with X-boy. But then (Tei forgive me...) I relapsed. I love myself immensely but does this mean that I didn't loved me enough to get rid of that old crap? These questions hunt me.

I enjoyed some of my time spent with you.
Sometimes I felt incredibly fulfilled; I wished the moments would last forever.
But then I wasn't really happy with you, or at least the happiness was always short-lived.
I would want to remain in the space and time where my heart skipped beats
But you would never remain with me.
I don't think you were really happy with me either.
It was a heart-song that wasn't meant to be sung
It was a plea to forget reality and relish in your arms.
But I could only forget for a time.

I watched you kiss her - right before my very eyes
And I was to pretend that I didn't want to scream
Like, I didn't want to vomit & spill my insides.
Let the whole world see what has become of me, become of us.
But "we" never really were
It was only a facade of my imagination.
An image I begged to manifest into reality

I watched you kiss her
With those same lips you used to kiss me
With those same lips, I knew you would kiss me later.
I wonder why I went to your house that night
What was I trying to prove, what was I trying to realise?
That maybe the shock of seeing you two would blast me back to reality {common sense}.
To the realization that we would never be.
We were not meant to - coexist
In that space, that time, together. Never.
So I chested the pain...Ode eshi
Like I was some kinda of ride-or-die chic.
Nah...that's not me.
It has never been me...
I have never been that numb-everything-I-can't-feel-a-thing babe
And that is why I was never happy.
I would never truly purged of my emotions.
Those emotions you knew were real.

But that is the price I pay for living in denial
I lied to myself that I was numb...
When the truth is that I am like a magnified sensationalizing entity.
The other end of the spectrum of numbness...
I feel it. I feel you. I felt everything.
Time and Time again, I would remember the love {life} I envisioned for myself
And I try to force the idea of you into that picture.
I tried so hard to convince myself that you were not ready for it.
That maybe I should give you a little more time.

But in the words of Keyshia Cole, "you need to leave if he don't wanna love you the right way..."
I should've left earlier
I could've left in September 2005.
I could've left you in January 2006
I could've left you in March 2006
But then I got hooked on you in May 2006.
No that wasn't enough for me...I had to go ahead & plunge myself deeper.
Deeper than I've ever known before...and then I was finished.
I became V-V--uuu-ll-ner-able.
I let myself get weak - you loved that. Made you feel like a man,
Ego-stroking; you were floating on cloud 9
While I was sinking deeper and deeper beneath the depths


UnNaked Soul said...

sentimentally deep.

to be free is to heed to the soft-spoken words of your heart and not the screams of your desire. *wink*

unNaked Soul

Naija Chickito said...

I feel you babe. Great read.
But the feelings do pass after a while, until you can't remember how you once felt. Been there so I know.

pamelastitch said...

Girl, you should have just scratched out his eyes, and given him a karate kick!! :D
lol!! don't listen to me...feeling slightly violent - it is that time of the month.

!*!*!*!*!Fresh and Fab!*!*!*!*! said...


Seattle Slim said...

Wow I am glad I went through my technorati and saw that you had linked to me! I'm honored! I like your blog and will add you back!

AnyaPosh said...

@ unnaked soul: i will take heed to those wise words if I am faced with temptation again.

@ naija chickito: my dear, I hope these feeling pass soon! I haven't talked to him in weeks so I guess i'm regaining my composure.

@ pamelastitch: hahaha! gurl, I wish I had it in me...and i'm usually the violent type ;)

@ fresh & fab: thanks! It's so hard when your emotions are vested in a jerk...I'm thru with his ass!

@ seattle slim: I visited your blog & I absolutely loved it! And thanks :D