Monday, December 10, 2007
Shopping List for a Healthy Male
When you first meet a man, whether it's online, at the grocery store, at a bar, at school, or at your job, you should feel that he wants you.
It may be conveyed by a look, a touch, a compliment, curiosity, or attention to detail. And it must, within a short amount of time, be conveyed in person -- not online, through a text message, or on the phone. And definitely, it should be backed up by his willingness to make a plan to move the relationship forward. If he's not interested enough to in advance and make a plan, he's not interested enough to invest his emotions in a relationship. Conversely, constant calling, emailing, and text-messaging is not true contact. He cannot touch you, see you, adore you, or get to know you through words on a screen or over the phone.
Soon after meeting him, you should discover that he has appropriately achieved in at least one area of his life. For instant, if he went to college he now has a good job. Or a decent car. If he inherited his parents' business, he has learned how to successfully manage it. Or if he is a member of a baseball team, he has learned to become a team player. His efforts continue to generate new opportunities, new skills, new challenges, or new possessions. Thus, he is progressing and not degenerating.
If he's a healthy man, he will never makes plans for the future that he does not intend to back up. And he will certainly not say. "I'm not sure where this relationship is going," and then continue to call you and have sex with you. He will not send messages that are confusing and difficult to decipher. A healthy man says what he means and means what he says. And the words he speaks are backed up by action that coincides. Even if he cannot give a guarantee, the relationship is always moving forward. Thus, you will never find yourself drunk-dialing at two in the morning because you fear he is out with another girl. Or find yourself in a situation where he claims to want to get married, but you are the only one planning the wedding and paying for the caterer.
If you are in the right relationship, it will feel reciprocal and mutual. When you offer emotional support, is he appreciative? Does he give back surprising you with a special little something? Or remembering your favorite drink?
Do you feel that what he gives is as valuable and meaningful as what you offer? For instance, if you set aside a Saturday night, will he make an entertainment plan that is enjoyable for both of you? If your car breaks down, will he come and get you? If you have a problem, will he help you? Is he as devoted to you as you are to him?
Healthy relationships are based upon mutual give-and-take. And what is given and received should feel of equal value. If the only thing that you are getting out of this relationship is text-messages or e-mails, occasional plans, or the assurance that you won't be alone on a Saturday night, you are not getting what you need. If he's the right guy for you, he will have good friends and you will like who he is when he's with them. Whether he's at the bar, at a tailgate party, or running for political office, you are confident that he is the man you know and love, both with you and apart from you. When he's out of sight, he does not turn into somebody else. For instance, a player. Or a jerk. Conversely, when you include him with your friends, you know who he will be -- charming and engaging, enhancing instead of detracting.
Adapted from Bethany Marshall