A Letter for Tei "Anya" Kaine

I broke up with my lover a few weeks ago and in the days after I started second-guessing my actions. So I wrote this letter to myself as an assurance:

Dear Anya,

There's no need to second-guess yourself at this moment. You know you have done the right thing. Are you not relieved from all that stress, all the worrying, the emotional roller-coaster, the uncertainties, the lies, the deceit, the heartbreak, broken promises, the neglect, the burden, the pain?
Sometimes, it is just better for things to take their natural course...you know, reach their natural end. If this is what it took, then that's what it took. You must be assured in your heart that you will not make the same mistake again. This is how you can learn from your experience and make very positive adjustments. You're a strong woman, I've never doubted that, but you cannot put yourself through the self-torment & torture of never knowing what else was out there. It is regrettable, but now you have put an X on the situation. A well-deserved X.

You've done yourself a great service, your mom will be so pleased. I believe that you will meet someone else, someone better and worth your efforts. Someone who treasures a rare gem. Perhaps this was a necessary step in your development. Maybe this way you can learn to truly appreciate who you meet next. You'll never know until you take the chance. And trust me hun, it's the chance of a lifetime!

Loving you so much,
Anya

4 Agreements to make with Yourself

This was adapted from Don Miguel Ruiz's book, The Four Agreements

agreement 1

Be impeccable with your word - Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.

agreement 2

Don't take anything personally - Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering.

agreement 3

Don't make assumptions - Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.

agreement 4

Always do your best - Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse and regret.

Perceptions of Tei Kaine

Now is the time to be bolder, to dare to achieve, to begin something worth doing.

Begin now to do something that has long been a dream, something that makes you approach each new day as a journey to accomplish what you want and desire.

Your days are numbered, you won't live forever so now is the time to grab hold of that dream and shake it for all it's worth. Time is a fleeting commodity that can never be retrieved again so do it now, not tomorrow or the next day - NOW.

Don't just dream.
Dig for it.
Put your desires into motion not just thought.
Act.
Be bold and courageous.

Will it be easy? Not likely. Will it be worth the work, the risk, the frustration? Absolutely.

Persist, persevere. Life gives you the opportunity now so don't let one more moment escape your capacity to have, be, or get what you want.

There is one thing that you need to get right before you even make one move to get what you want and that is to trust yourself. Yes, trust yourself to be able to learn what you need to learn, to take risks to accomplish what others may think is foolhardy or impossible. Trust your own resolve to meet each and every challenge along the way.
Remember that YOU are the instrument of change, the mechanism that with all your capacity will see new things unfold as you put thought into action. Anything is possible.

Shopping List for a Healthy Male

When you first meet a man, whether it's online, at the grocery store, at a bar, at school, or at your job, you should feel that he wants you.
It may be conveyed by a look, a touch, a compliment, curiosity, or attention to detail. And it must, within a short amount of time, be conveyed in person -- not online, through a text message, or on the phone. And definitely, it should be backed up by his willingness to make a plan to move the relationship forward. If he's not interested enough to in advance and make a plan, he's not interested enough to invest his emotions in a relationship. Conversely, constant calling, emailing, and text-messaging is not true contact. He cannot touch you, see you, adore you, or get to know you through words on a screen or over the phone.



Soon after meeting him, you should discover that he has appropriately achieved in at least one area of his life. For instant, if he went to college he now has a good job. Or a decent car. If he inherited his parents' business, he has learned how to successfully manage it. Or if he is a member of a baseball team, he has learned to become a team player. His efforts continue to generate new opportunities, new skills, new challenges, or new possessions. Thus, he is progressing and not degenerating.


If he's a healthy man, he will never makes plans for the future that he does not intend to back up. And he will certainly not say. "I'm not sure where this relationship is going," and then continue to call you and have sex with you. He will not send messages that are confusing and difficult to decipher. A healthy man says what he means and means what he says. And the words he speaks are backed up by action that coincides. Even if he cannot give a guarantee, the relationship is always moving forward. Thus, you will never find yourself drunk-dialing at two in the morning because you fear he is out with another girl. Or find yourself in a situation where he claims to want to get married, but you are the only one planning the wedding and paying for the caterer.

If you are in the right relationship, it will feel reciprocal and mutual. When you offer emotional support, is he appreciative? Does he give back surprising you with a special little something? Or remembering your favorite drink?

Do you feel that what he gives is as valuable and meaningful as what you offer? For instance, if you set aside a Saturday night, will he make an entertainment plan that is enjoyable for both of you? If your car breaks down, will he come and get you? If you have a problem, will he help you? Is he as devoted to you as you are to him?


Healthy relationships are based upon mutual give-and-take. And what is given and received should feel of equal value. If the only thing that you are getting out of this relationship is text-messages or e-mails, occasional plans, or the assurance that you won't be alone on a Saturday night, you are not getting what you need. If he's the right guy for you, he will have good friends and you will like who he is when he's with them. Whether he's at the bar, at a tailgate party, or running for political office, you are confident that he is the man you know and love, both with you and apart from you. When he's out of sight, he does not turn into somebody else. For instance, a player. Or a jerk. Conversely, when you include him with your friends, you know who he will be -- charming and engaging, enhancing instead of detracting.

Adapted from Bethany Marshall