Friday, April 11, 2008

Teardrops like Raindrops

I wrote this in June 2005 when I was still wild and weary about X-boy. These days I am just weary. 
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When I'm mad, it's usually something about blaming you. Somehow you're the reason I haven't smiled in a while. If I've had a bad day, and it got me down. I come home & shut myself in. I try to open up to you but my Self won't let me. I'm stuck in my ways.

When I'm mad, I want to take off all my clothes, sit on the floor and weep. I want to wallow in self-pity just for a little while. I want to scream but I stifle any sounds but tiny whimpers still escape when I sob. I want to remind myself that I am friggin' gorgeous. Anya is more than that. She doesn't need you to be anything for her. She is enough for herself.

But I am not enough.

Fast-forward to December 2007:

I envision a time when I was happier. I envision, I don't remember it. Sometimes, I want you to act a certain way, be a certain way, fulfill my desires. Call me more often, like at midnight to tell me "baby, i was just thinking about you, I miss you"; even if you saw me barely 20mins ago. But you don't. I want it go to back to the time when I didn't care so much about you. When you were only a fleeting thought. But now, you have become something more. I wish I didn't worry so much about you or us or when or how things will turn out. I wish I was just living my life without these after-thoughts. I don't know why I'm doing this to myself. You're hurting me but I can't get away.

28 comments:

Tininu said...

Everytime i see a comment like this..i feel rotten inside, i once put someone else( Unknowingly) into your predicament, and i really didnt know and at that point probably wouldnt have cared...that was till it happened to me..

I dont know what you and your guy have, but it's not cool to let him call all the shots.

you should be treated like a queen and should be getting everything that he's got..

Your worth more than an occasion and premeditated i love you's..If your not entirely happy then it is not worth it, there is always someone better..trust me!

Kiki said...

mhennnnnn i feel uuuu but u gats to shake off ja re..yur HOT TAMALE n he wudnt appreciate the Gem u r if u stay on the sideline cheerin for him to notice u..u hav to walk off the game field n see wat life has..only then will he catch the glimpse of u he has failed to appreciate then he'll come crawlin bac !

NigerianDramaQueen said...

"When im mad, I want to take off all my clothes, sit on the floor and just weep"
-That's intense! X-Boy better be worth all the drama. I know the feeling sha.

KreativeMix said...

pretty deep. hope he's worth it!!!

Afrobabe said...

This made me want to cry...

It's so sad when we know he is all we want but he doesn't seem to think or treat us the way he should...

I dont know girl...been a hard week for me as well...

Hope u feel better soon...

i.can't.complain. said...

after-thoughts are powerful as hell aren't they.

if u find out how to escape them, plz let me know.

*cyber hugs*

-1-

Ollay said...

Actually am not gonna look at this beautiful write-up from a negative point of view. I dont want to believe that some bloke out there is treating the beautiful Anya badly. I just want to know that you love so so much that it hurts...now that kind of love can be scary!

fantasy queen said...

i hate to admit but i've gone through the phase of not caring and then he seeps into me and i want him calling every minute and i wonder why he doesnt...

i almost forget that i am sexily and beautifully me, i can do better, i deserve better...

Anu boy said...

ahn ahn... true love....

okay... let me not be a moron here... but mehn...
that feeling is killing, heart piercing, i know that feeling too well,

maybe thats why i am scared of relationships now....

oh well, e go everly better

AlooFar said...

Eya! I hope you're better now.

I spent some time on your blog... One thing... it's the next addictive site after facebook.

I don't know if the video of The Vagina Monologues is available.

I'll try and find out.

Thanks for stopping by.

James Tubman said...

holy moly

please god don't tempt me lol

OluwaDee said...

I wish I could just throw some liver your way, but its not that easy.

"You're hurting me but I can't get away"
I reali don't beliv in "I can't", I fel its just anoda way 2 say I don't want 2.

Ayanposh, u can get away, u can b happy, feel all d love n b treated lik a queen.

Tk cr deariee n 10ks 4 stpn by.

Smaragd said...

if that pic u put up is one of u, then u really shldnt let Xboy get u down! cuz u are hot!!!

i know it's easier said than done, afterall i still find myself missing my ex-boyfrnd(ex for almost 3yrs now!).

we'll get past this and then one day when we get what we really deserve, we'll look back and wonder why we ever wasted time and emotions on them! chant that wiv me.

Smaragd said...

i just typed a very long and heartfelt comment and ur post rejected it, so...

Jarrai said...

"I want to wallow in self-pity just for a little while. I want to scream but I stifle any sounds but tiny whimpers still escape when I sob"

Girl this here just breaks my heart. This feeling you describe is just too painfull for words. So sorry u are at this place, but girl...don't ever think you are not enough for any man.

Hang in there, but pls remember your happiness lies in you and you alone..

soupasexy said...

now i totally understand ur comment on my post, i so feel u on this one and i want to cry just thinking about it, he's all u want but he dosent just get it or feel the same way. i hope u stay strong tho cos that's what i.m tryna do too.cheers!

AnyaPosh said...

2 tininu: he doesn't make all the shots, i'm just a sucker for romance. So until I find someone better...I guess I'll remain a sucker?

2 kiki: thanks! I have to break him off. It's easier said sweets

2 nigeriandramaqueen: I dunno if he is. But it doesn't even matter anymore. I'll fill you in when I update soon -xo

2 kreativemix: yeah, i'm deep like dat. lol...but 4real I can be so melancholic.

2 afrobabe: plz don't cry, only one of us should be crying about anything right now. I hope this week goes well for you.

2 i.cant.complain: I still dunno how to get rid of them. they just keep sneaking up on you...sigh. *hugz*

2 Ollay: I'm in denial hun, I don't want to think I love him. That would make me embrace vulnerability. This sucks...

2 fantasy queen: tell me how it is! It's so hard to let go even when it hurts.

2 anu boy: I believe o! It must get better. I wonder what goes on in his head. What's a guy's take on constant heartbreak?

2 aloofar: thank u! I'll look forward to it.

2 j-tubman: lol...didn't intend to

2 oluwadee: you're right, I really can't help me because I don't want to just yet. I need to grow me some balls!

2 smaragd: i can't wait for the day i'll look past all of this. It's taking forever. And yeah, I have comment moderation & I still haven't figured how 2 work it.

2 jarrai: I'm tryna hang in here like a tough cookie but I think i'm going 2 break real soon. Something drastic has to happen real soon. Because despite all the hurt, I'm really bored with the relationship.

2 soupasexy: we've got to stick 2geda on this one. lemme know how things go with you & dude.

AkaniZZle said...

this is heart felt, i feel your pain.. but youll find away, you always do

!*!*!*!*!Fresh and Fab!*!*!*!*! said...

take it easy hun, youll be fine

Ms. emmotions said...

very deep gal, very deep, but i want to believe u are much better now....yeah must better emotionally

tobenna said...

Grrr!
What's with all the comments about everyone feeling sad and wanting to cry over your tale?
Cheer UP!
I dunno what went wrong with you and him, but you need to face reality and discuss this with him. In a nice way.

Sometimes, my girl tells me I make her cry and she feels down and wishes things were like fantasyland with us. That hurts. What do I do most times? I tell her how much she means to me, I cuddle her, be her best friend, do things I normally would not dream of doing. I swallow my pride. Just to make her smile. It requires lots of effort, but its worth it. Trust me, its not easy because I feel that way too and just want to vent. But, I'm her man, I'm her protector, I'm her cover. If its not me, who else?
I haven't seen her in 4 months and it hurts... even worse when we argue on the phone. When she needs me and I'm not there and vice versa.

I stray.

All the best Anya.

Beautiful Life said...

I love the way you write

princesa said...

First off, you are really beautiful & sexy, at least from what i can tell from the pic.

No girl deserves to take less than what she need/wants from a guy. If he isnt doing 'it; for you, then he isnt worth it!

SOLOMONSYDELLE said...

Pretty deep. But, all I can say is, don't allow negativity to control your thoughts and emotions. It will take up too much of your energy and prevent you from being the incredible person you are. Give yourself a 'mourning period' during which you allow yourself to feel sad or whatever. Once the 'mourning period' is over, brush your shoulder off and keep it moving.

God dey, my sista.

Onome said...

er......(nervously clearing throat). I hate to say dis cos I dont want to sound judgemental or anyting but YES U CAN GET AWAY IF YOU'RE BEING HURT!! Better out than in...according to Shrek!!!

Free-flowing Florida said...

please don't tell me u r hung up on d same guy 4 2 years now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

why o why would u put urself 2ru such torture??????

babe, look around, love is waiting - u just have 2 reach out & grab it.

one way 2 start: KILL OFF UR EX-S IN UR MIND.

no, u r not wish ing him death. but until he dies 2 ur emotions, den u can learn 2 breath without him

be strong, love. e go better

Minky said...

I really felt that, very deep.

I can totally relate.It really hurts when you have strong feelings for someone and then they end up not reciprocating those feelings. Moving on is of course the best thing to do, but it is way way way easier said than done!Your mind torments you.

But just remind yourself you are fearfully & wonderfully made in Gods image.You are beautiful and there is NO one like you.If x-boy cant see that then he is at loss.

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