My Voice, I hear it

People often tell me that I have a distinguished voice, in the tone, the appeal; "it's low & husky", then when I'm really excited or just plain elated, "it gets high & squeaky".
Have you ever tape-recorded your voice and then played it over to hear what you sound like? Or in this age I should ask, have you ever left yourself or someone else a voice message then played it over to hear yourself? I do this often enough and on one of those days, I didn't just like what I sounded like anymore. I literally hated the tone of my own voice when I wrote this.
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The sound from my lungs :||:
Squeaky? No - brash!
:||: I hear you, but I do not know you.
Ages of trial hath not changed thee :||:
Even displacement, yet; I still do not know you.
When will you become?
To take up the shimmering glow of something divine - like resurrection.
When will you become me? Embodied in all I represent, yet weakened by the sound from my lungs.
I do not hate you. I feel only a passionate dislike today.


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Oh and then another thing; my accent. ha! that one is another enigma. Most people tell me I have no accent; that it's not quite Canadian or strictly American or British or even Nigerian. { see me, see wahala!}. I like to think that my accent is a convoluted compossibility that personifies all that is me, all that is Anya!!!

Memoirs of a Young Heart

I wrote this when I was sure I was done with X-boy. But then (Tei forgive me...) I relapsed. I love myself immensely but does this mean that I didn't loved me enough to get rid of that old crap? These questions hunt me.
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I enjoyed some of my time spent with you.
Sometimes I felt incredibly fulfilled; I wished the moments would last forever.
But then I wasn't really happy with you, or at least the happiness was always short-lived.
I would want to remain in the space and time where my heart skipped beats
But you would never remain with me.
I don't think you were really happy with me either.
It was a heart-song that wasn't meant to be sung
It was a plea to forget reality and relish in your arms.
But I could only forget for a time.

I watched you kiss her - right before my very eyes
And I was to pretend that I didn't want to scream
Like, I didn't want to vomit & spill my insides.
Let the whole world see what has become of me, become of us.
But "we" never really were
It was only a facade of my imagination.
An image I begged to manifest into reality

I watched you kiss her
With those same lips you used to kiss me
With those same lips, I knew you would kiss me later.
I wonder why I went to your house that night
What was I trying to prove, what was I trying to realise?
That maybe the shock of seeing you two would blast me back to reality {common sense}.
To the realization that we would never be.
We were not meant to - coexist
In that space, that time, together. Never.
So I chested the pain...Ode eshi
Like I was some kinda of ride-or-die chic.
Nah...that's not me.
It has never been me...
I have never been that numb-everything-I-can't-feel-a-thing babe
And that is why I was never happy.
I would never truly purged of my emotions.
Those emotions you knew were real.

But that is the price I pay for living in denial
I lied to myself that I was numb...
N-n-n-u...mmmbbb.
When the truth is that I am like a magnified sensationalizing entity.
The other end of the spectrum of numbness...
I feel it. I feel you. I felt everything.
Time and Time again, I would remember the love {life} I envisioned for myself
And I try to force the idea of you into that picture.
I tried so hard to convince myself that you were not ready for it.
That maybe I should give you a little more time.

But in the words of Keyshia Cole, "you need to leave if he don't wanna love you the right way..."
I should've left earlier
I could've left in September 2005.
I could've left you in January 2006
I could've left you in March 2006
But then I got hooked on you in May 2006.
No that wasn't enough for me...I had to go ahead & plunge myself deeper.
Deeper than I've ever known before...and then I was finished.
I became V-V--uuu-ll-ner-able.
I let myself get weak - you loved that. Made you feel like a man,
Ego-stroking; you were floating on cloud 9
While I was sinking deeper and deeper beneath the depths

Idle thoughts...

I was sitting here just minding my own business
When he came up to me...
He sauntered over; his swagger, his style grabbed my attention
I was - eh,
...knocked off my feet.
My feet.....oouuh
My feet began to grow warm
-A.Posh

Famous Words by Famous People

- Set goals. The 1st step is clearly defining what it is you're after, because without knowing that you'll never get it.

- Believe in your ability. Be unwavering and relentless in your approach.

- Go about it with integrity. You have to speak the truth and mean what you say, but be very mindful and respectful of other people. Don't step on toes.

- Have humility. Don't take yourself too seriously. Know when to laugh at yourself, and find a way to laugh at the obstacles that inevitably present themselves.

- Be flexible. If you set out to do something and you give it your all and it doesn't work out, be willing to modify your goal slightly. Have the ability to look in another direction. A small shift could guide you to the real purpose of your life.

- Halle Berry (Cosmopolitan, December 2002).

Famous Words by Famous People

Compromise is a bitch.

Because once you get stuck, it becomes very difficult to untangle yourself from that type of situation. Once you become the voice of the Corporate you become a different creature.

Alot of men & women struggle with the identity crisis that takes place with black people in America, basically black people in the western world. It is not just about "who am I?" but how to be "what I am" in that particular western paradigm and still remain true to yourself. They need courage & protection & the people to defend them in doing what they would instinctively do, if they felt safe enough to do.

- Lauryn Hill